Sometimes I Feel Like a Fish Outa Water...

(first excuse the formatting... I just didn't feel like doing it... lol)

Yeah and I'm not afraid to admit... sometimes I'm just LOST in life. I wake up some mornings and I just cry b/c I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Other days I love life (well most days) to the fullest and don't care what anyone says about a "path" because I create my own. Living like that can drive you insane...

Good thing I've got the Lord on my side.

So I haven't blogged in a minute and as a matter of fact had it not been for my friend and soror I probably wouldn't be blogging right now. However, she said something in her blog that prompted me to write:

There's NOTHING BETTER than people who truly love you...and I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by those folks. I know they are just a phone call/email/text/@reply/smoke signal away and that they'd ride for me til the wheels fall off...that's TRUE FRIENDSHIP

I wholeheartedly agree except...it seems like EVERY single time I "befriend" someone I end up getting screwed. Now under normal circumstances I'd be like what the hell is wrong with me... and well.. this is a normal circumstance. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just TOO damned nice. (Believe THAT?) I am... I do do do do do do do and when I need I don't say anything for fear that I'll be judged. (Sound like a need a shrink yet?)I dunno why I'm like that but I am... some would call it pride. I'd probably agree. I've probably published this before but I think this poem sums up some of the "issues" in friendship that I have. It's called Paintbrush:

I keep my paint brush with me

Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn’t show.
I’m so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you’ll do – that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I’m afraid I might lose you.

I’d like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you’ll be patient and close your eyes,
I’ll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love Me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn’t understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.

This poem has been one of my favorites since childhood... b/c it's the truth. I really just don't trust anyone with my secrets or my fears and hurts. I've adopted the philosphy that if I don't want it repeated I don't share it. Sad huh?What say you world? How do you deal with friends? Are you 100% open? Is there one person that you can share any and everything with knowing it wont be repeated and you wont be judged?

I'm starting to believe that I have a people like that in my life... and I'm sure they will read this blog and smile b/c they know I'm talking about them. I'll try not to hold my past experiences against them considering they had nothing to do with how dirty people have done me before... Pray for me.