Sooo...

I'd planned to blog about my thoughts on the end of the world in regards to all the wildfires, murders, floods, etc but I'll be damned if I didn't come into work today and our phone is disconnected AGAIN! Now seriously...the last time it got shut off there was someone to blame (not really, but he was there so they used him) but NOW the only person left holding the bag is the person who is responsible for the bag, period. If I never knew before, I know now..I've got to get the hell outta dodge. This place is well on it's way to bankruptcy. What's funny is, I kinda want to stick around to watch it unfold. That's so ignorant...but who doesn't want (whether they admit it or not) their daily dose of ignorance.

Speaking of ignorance...there was a guy in the train terminal begging for change. I didn't have anything to give him (and he looked legitimately hungry) so I shrugged as to say "I'm sorry, I don't have any cash" and kept going. Apparently the person behind me wasn't so nice about it and said something smart (I didn't hear it) and the homeless (I presume) guy went clean off. He was like "Man all you have to do is say no and keep it moving! You didn't have to say all that! Why would you talk to me like that?" and blah blah blah...I felt bad for the guy (really I did...but it still didn't negate the fact that I didn't have anything to offer him). I wonder why folks are always so mean to homeless people (me included). I think I just have a low tolerance for EVERYBODY. Seriously...

*LMAO #@ myself...I forgot that fast that the phone was off and hit my speaker button to make a call*

Anyhow, today is National AIDS Awareness...or something to that effect day. They are offering free testing all over the US (I think) but I'll be willing to bet most people wont take advantage b/c they are sure they are "clean" etc. I'm looking for the closest place to go get tested...not b/c I'm doing this I shouldn't...but I wasn't saved ALL my life either. People it's important to know your status whether you are hetero homo married single or divorced. Remember how they used to say that one drop of black blood made you a ni**er? The same holds true...one drop of infected body fluid and you're officially infected. That's ALL it takes people...be smart and take advantage of the opportunities awarded to you. I hate to sound all motherish, but there are people in Africa who would kill at the chance to be tested and get treatment (if they are infected).

*jumps off soapbox*

G'Day folks!

Lady Doss


*Oh and don't try and call me at work...bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!*

Deer.

Ok so you know I'm afraid (like seriously) of deer right...WHY did I see one of them bastards on the way home from church tonight? I swear I lost all the Jesus I had when I saw that thing. He was on his way out into the street and I nearly killed myself trying to make sure he saw me coming. I was flashing lights and blowing the horn. I screamed every variation of curse words known to man and then when I was done with that I screamed my hubby's name...over and over. He turned around and ran off but I was pissed the heck off. What in the world do you need on the other side of the damn street? Aint a damn thing over there but houses! I really wish they would just stay in the house somewhere...ugh.

I can't believe how tense I get just thinking about one of them things. When we are driving my pupils are all dilated and my jaw muscles tighten. There is a stretch of road where I just can't take it...I swear I feel like I'm having a breakdown for fear that a deer is going to jump out at me. As much as I tell Jesus to take other folk's wheels I shoulda asked him to take mine...cause I nearly lost it.

I can't deal...

G'Night folks!

Lady Doss

Decisions...Decisions

Well as I'm sure most everyone in the world knows...I hate my place of employment. My actual job I can deal with, it's just too much sometimes to deal with my co workers and and such. Here's my dilemma. I've been complaining about my pay and wanting a more professional place to work for some time now and that opportunity has presented itself (twice actually). I've been contacted about two positions, one that pays 7K more than this one and the other that pays 8K more than this one. There are benefits to both positions...I'll list them:

Position 1:
*More pay( which is always a good thing)
*Better hours
*The area of accounting I really like (forensic)

**Downside** It's located in Marietta which means a drive (b/c public transportation -IE: the train) doesn't go anywhere near there. I could always take the bus from the nearest train station but that would be a LOT of work.

Position 2:
*More pay (which is always a good thing)
*Better hours
*It's in a law firm (it's still an accounting position but we all know I am headed to law school and the networking opps could be enormous)
*It's located in Midtown (which is right on the MARTA line-meaning no driving and/or parking to deal with)

**Downside** Hmm...none that I can really think of besides the one (biggy) that I'm about to name.

Now, you may say...well shoot Lady D that's an easy decision just go with position 2. Yeah if only it were that easy. Here's the biggy...the job I'm in now is allowing me to make my own hours around my classes this Fall. If I take a new job I may(or may not) get that luxury and will be forced to take evening classes (which don't bother me THAT much...only hubby is trying to take classes in the Spring). My only other option is to ask for a $7500 raise and I hope I get it. It doesn't seem THAT far fetched b/c I spoke to one of the partners about it yesterday and he said that there was no way he was losing me over a measly $7K. If they were to give me the raise I'd honestly stick around and continue to ignore them everyday (until I finished w/ school). I mean after all where else can you work making that kind of money, make your own hours, and go to school? (No where else except Magic City)

I'm still praying about it...b/c I know God will work it out no matter what. (That still doesn't stop me from soliciting opinions just to see what people think.

G'Day folks!

Lady Doss

*sigh*

I think I'm becoming closer to my mother in law and not so close to my own mother. Now don't get me wrong, I love my mother and would never write her off or any of that foolishness (after all she DID give birth to me). At any rate I really need to do some soul searching (if that's the right term) and figure out if I've really forgiven her for my childhood. In some strange way I blame her for a lot of the mistakes I've made as an adult. I don't subscribe to the "do as I say, not as I do theory" that was forced (unsuccessfully) upon me as a child. Another thing that has really 'turned me off' (for lack of a better phrase) is a new revelation concerning my brother...it goes back to the 'do as I say, not as I do' theory that I thought was long gone out of the window. My mother in law has made sacrifices from day 1 of my husband and my marriage and it kind of irritates me when my mother (and side of the family) doesn't step up to the plate and offer the same. There have been times when we really needed family support and my side of the family has promised to be there and never came through...my mother in law, being the person she is, will pick up their slack and take the situation into her own hands. She breaks her neck, back, AND the bank to see her grandchildren and make sure that we, as a family unit, remain that way. I just don't feel that from my side of the family. It's come to the point where I just don't want to be bothered anymore. I want to know that all is well with my family is South Carolina but that's about it. As long as everyone is alive and well, I'm fine without having a conversation with any of them. Is that right? *shakes head no* It's not even a way I WANT to be. I just feel like for the sake of my SELF I need to make certain decisions.

It's funny I feel this way b/c in the beginning of my marriage I really disliked my mother in law. I pushed her away and now I recognize exactly why I did what I did and acted the way I acted. It wasn't b/c she was meddling and nosey (which she still is) and it wasn't b/c she was bossy and overbearing (she still is) but it was because she actually loved me and that's not something I was used to. Now, I'm not saying my family doesn't love me or my children...that's not it, it's just hard to explain. My mother in law (and my hubby's family) subscribe to the AGAPE love theory. They love you through your faults, your wrongdoings, and your good days. It's that unconditional love that I'd never felt before. Often times when you're wrong people push you away and label you as "bad" or "no good." MIL (mother in law) is the total opposite. She loves harder when you're down and out. She loves harder when you don't even love yourself and that's exactly what I've needed all of my life.

The mature thing to do would be to let me mom and my family know what I feel but I can't say that will ever happen (which is unfair to them). They have a right to know what's going on in my head but right now...I just can't see me ever exhausting myself to go through it. They aren't very receptive of things like that and it'll only irritate the shit out of me to try to.

Another thing I think that is separating me from my family is their acceptance of my being abused when I was younger and the fact that the person that abused me is still at the dinner table on holidays like all is well or something. No one believed me then...and it sickens me to my stomach to know that they are rubbing elbows with this perv IN my face. *snaps fingers* That's IT! It's a feeling of betrayal I'm feeling from all of them...and I don't take betrayal very well.

God thank you for that revelation...of course I know what I need to do to make it right, I just don't know when. *sigh*

G'Day Folks,

Lady Doss

Losing Faith

I seriously think I'm starting to lose faith in the 'institution' of marriage. In the past two days I've had one friend tell me her husband has profiles on all these adults sites and ads for erotic services and then yet another tell me her husband has been communicating with an ex who 'he shouldn't have did wrong and let go' on MySpace. I'm beginning to think people get married b/c it's the thing to do after you've dated for awhile. No one respects it anymore and it saddens me. It's almost as if I need to constantly look around for that boulder called 'cheating' or the asteroid named 'divorce' because it's inevitable. *sigh* Why can't men and women be mature enough to tell the person they say they love when something isn't right? I mean I know there are cases when they say something and the other person either pretends they don't hear or acts like they don't understand. Does it condone what most people do? No...I'm just so frustrated with the world. I'm not saying I'm a saint by any means but I just want to know when this cycle will be broken? This is not what God intended to happen when he created marriage but then again a lot of us are married knowing full well it wasn't an 'act of God' to begin with.

You know...the bad thing is a lot of these men and women don't think there's anything wrong with what they are doing. It's either she/he'll never know...or this is harmless. My friend told me that he said the only reason he was in touch with her is b/c he 'hurt her...' and 'she was there before you were' and 'I missed out on a good thing.' Now I don't know about you but that sounds to me like...I was really in love with her but I was dumb and let her go. You came along and made me forget who she was and I married you not thinking that she would resurface. Now I' married to you but I'll always wonder if what we had would have worked. I could be wrong...but that's a guess. If someone were to tell me that, I'd be beyond hurt...not b/c there was someone before me, but b/c he settled for me, you know? No one wants to feel like that. I hate b/c there's nothing I can really say to make her confident in her marriage again...hell I don't want to be in the midst of the problem anyway, but then again...what are friends for? I can't pretend like she doesn't need me, right? I spoke to her this morning when I got in and she sounded as if she was ready to give up and let him pursue his ex...she said if the feelings were still there even though he denies the fact then she needed to step aside and hopefully he'd see one of two things...either how good he had it or how good he had it (get it? :) ). As for the other friend (w/ the husband living another life on the Internet and in other cities) I didn't respond to her e-mail b/c I really didn't know what to say...I mean I want to say, go get a check up STAT! but I don't want to open a can of worms. I want to say my opinion but I've learned my lesson from getting involved in other folks' mess...especially relationships.

I do know...that now I'm on high alert...not b/c I don't trust the man I married...but Satan is BUSY. Married people, keep the communication lines OPEN at all times so that we can try and combat the attack on marriages. In the end it's all we have...*sigh*

G'Day Folks

Lady Doss

Torn...

Sometimes I really have to pray and ask God to not take His hands away from me. Every since we went to church on Sunday I have been battling the devil. It's almost as if I have a nice angel on one shoulder and a bad angel on the other. I know what the Word of God says so I understand WHY I'm going through what I'm going through. I just don't WANT to go through what I'm going through. I can say that I'm glad I have an outlet to keep me from going in the wrong direction. Writing really is therapeutic.

Something that's really bothering me is my job. If you've read ANY of my blogs you can almost put money on the fact that this isn't the easy place for a saved person to work. Ray Charles could see that...and he's dead. Shucks when he was alive he was blind...so it MUST be easy to see. Right? Anyway, I'm just so tired of the environment and I'm waiting on God to tell me why I'm here or IF I should be here in the first place. I know, at times, we are placed in situations so that others may see God in us and believe you me...I've tried but (<--there's that word again) it's hard trying to be the light in darkness when the darkness is so overwhelming. There is ONE person in this whole office that's saved, and even I question that. I mean I know she GOES to church but I don't know if she's going for the man of the hour or to seek God. (It's not my place to wonder though...so anyhow) I want so badly to have the relationship I had with God but I'm just so lost as to where to start. I know getting back into fellowship is a good start but I know it's going to take much much more than that to actually make it...especially if I'm still working here. I want so badly to just walk out on faith but I have to be responsible for my family. That really sounds crazy seeing as if I have the faith to believe it He will do it...I'm just so confused. I know God wont put me in a position to be in total despair but sometimes I have to wonder if He'll allow me to put MYSELF there. I'm trying to figure out if not listening and waiting on God is the reason I'm here or what...*sigh* I know what I need to do...

Dear God,

I need you. I ask that you dwell in me like never before. I realize that I can't live without you and I can't make it on my own. Save me God...save me from ME God. There are things that are in me that aren't like You and I ask you to remove them from me. Make me whole again. But God I also want to thank You for doing what I just asked, for I know if I have the faith to speak it..it's already done. Give me the strength to make it through this day and the wisdom to discern your Word from the world's word. I am yours Lord and if it takes you breaking me and starting me all over again, I submit. And Lord, when I feel like straying away show me this prayer Lord so that I can stay on track. Thank you for your sacrifice of your Son for my sins. Forgive me Father....

Amen

Lady Doss

'Granma' are you proud?

I remember as a little girl my 'granma' would always tell me 'get some prideness in yourself gal...you just so slouchy!' What that meant was, I was sloppy and didn't care. I wasn't 'pretty' by today's standards and I didn't do anything to enhance the beauty I had (b/c I didn't know I had it). For years she would fuss at me to clean myself up and be a 'girl' (b/c I was a tomboy) but that never really clicked. As I grew up I began to realize I was 'pretty' but no one really emphasized that beauty....until I met my husband. There is so much he's done in my life that I don't really think he knows he's done. My self esteem/worth has skyrocketed since meeting him. He makes me feel like the prettiest woman on this planet and dammit it feels good. He wakes up beside me and whispers 'hey beautiful' every morning (for the most part *laugh*) even when I KNOW I look a mess. On those days when I just don't feel 'beautiful' it's almost like he has a radar that picks up on it and he turns all of those feelings around. I know most of you will be like 'huh' when I say this...but there is a downside to that. Now that I believe I am what he says I am it's almost (<--- I inserted that word for my own benefit. *smile*) made me conceited. I mean I know I'm not 'better' than anyone (per sé) but I've noticed that I can come across that way. I now hold my head high..sometimes higher than most. I now look down at people...and I'm not proud of it. I swing my hair...sometimes unnecessarily. I flaunt my french manicured hands and feet...even though I shouldn't. My question is...'granma' are you proud of what I've become? Is this what you meant by 'prideness?' I'm not really sure...I do know one thing though; I sure like this extreme better than the other one.

Now, do I need to work on me? Sure do. Am I going to work on me? More than likely. Do I thank God for 'granma' and hubby? More than you'll ever know. Is hubby going to stop making me feel like #1? Hell no. Do I need to channel those feelings into something other than conceit? Yeah I do. We all have issues...and this is just one of mine.

G'day folks!

Lady Doss