I have issues...but God told me it's ok.

So lately I've been examining myself and I've come to the conclusion that I have major issues. For as long as I can remember I've always tried to keep up with everyone else. I've always had a feeling of "less than" and dammit, I think I'm tired of it. I'm slowly teaching myself that it doesn't matter what other people think about how I look, what I drive, where I live, etc. I yearn for the day when I can wake up and geniunely not give a damn what someone is thinking when I walk by. I'm a long way away from it...but at least I know where the problem lies and have the desire to fix it.

I'm trying to go back in my history to define that moment when shit like this started to matter and I think I can pinpoint it. You see, when I was younger I didn't have normal shit like hot meals and snacks. I just had to go without...I spent my dinner evenings at the Butlers or Ms Berry's house at their table if I was lucky. To this day I hate one ply tissue and paper towels b/c I was teased so bad as a kid for "not being able" to afford two ply. Kids can be so cruel...can't they?

I now find myself wanting people to think of me as better than I really am, I want people to see me as someone who has everything they need and it's gotten me to the point where I don't even know myself anymore. I want NOT to care, but it's SO hard. I keep hearing those mean ass kids teasing and taunting me and I don't want my children to endure the same thing. The same thing holds true for friends and relationships. I was never "popular" or with the "in" crowd at school (mainly b/c I didn't look or couldn't dress the part) so now as an adult I thrive on relationships with people I "think" are in. I get excited just knowing that the "in" people "like" me...and it's kinda sad to a point. I'm thankful to be accepted but at the same time it's quite sad that I need acceptance that bad.

Of couse one would ask "why the heck would you write about something so sensative and private?" The answer isn't clear actually, I've just been thinking about this and some decisions I've made in the past to "keep up" and I knew I had to get this off my chest. God isn't through with me yet...and I make it my business to say that all the time, but Lord when will this feeling go away? Why do I have to burst my own bubble sometimes? Why can't I just...*sigh*

I dunno...I really don't.

Lady Doss