Today has been ROUGH for me. I don’t know why but everything that I’ve been holding in (for the sake of saving face) just came pouring out. I physically feel weak and I just don’t wanna do anything but breathe at this point. I finally talked to the people I trust most on this Earth right now and they both gave me the encouragement I so desperately needed and more than that… WANTED.
Normally, I’m the strongest somebody I know. This is a gift AND a curse. Why? Well, it’s good to lean on your own strength but it can also cripple you in a multitude of ways. Because of my strength I’m ALWAYS helping other people out. I’m ALWAYS rescuing people. I’m ALWAYS listening and encouraging. This leaves me feeling like an empty vessel. Now, of course the “Christian” thing to do and/or say is “well let God fill you up.” I get that, but I’m also human. Sometimes… just SOMETIMES I want someone to pat my back, kiss my forehead, and tell me it’s going to be ok. Most times I don’t get so much as a “are you ok?” text message. I don’t really know why, but I can only assume it’s because everyone assumes I’m so strong that I’ll be “ok” on my own and I’ll get over it.
Today I broke… all the way down. Right here at my desk. I cried. Sobbed. So much so that I shook and I finally asked… I said:
I don't wanna be strong anymore... I just wanna lean on someone if only for some hours. I don't want to have to figure anything out. I don't want to have to help anyone out. I don't want to rescue anyone. I just want to be. Sometimes I wonder why Abba trusts me SO much with this "gift."
They responded:
You shouldn't have always be so strong
everyone has someone that they can lean on when they feel weak
So simple so profound… I asked if I could lean. They said “yup.” I literally exhaled and let it go. I can’t be everything to everybody and still be somebody to myself. Then not 30 seconds later I got this message:
In my prayer..God spoke to me and said...You can lean on me, I have your back. Rather looking down, look up to me and let the tears roll... I will wipe away your pain in your heart and soul. Trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings...just know that I have you, you can lean on me...
I’m thankful… I feel better…
Good day,
Me.
...and you can never tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far, So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit - It's when things seem worst that you must not quit..."
I relate to this more than you know. You always have my shoulders to lean on.
ReplyDeleteGod is good. Now remember his words and don't be afraid of not always being strong. (hugs) glad you are better now.
ReplyDeletebeing strong is a gift and a curse -- we strong folks have to learn that it is ok to be in need. i didn't say weak cause needing a friend, a few words of comfort, to cry is not weak -- it is human and it shows humility and that you are still growing!
ReplyDeleteI'm here for you, soror. Love you mucho. ((hugs)) Please know that you have people you can lean on. Also, God puts people in your life that you can lean on and that can lean on you too. Remember that. ;) love ya
ReplyDeleteSofia