*sigh*

I think I'm becoming closer to my mother in law and not so close to my own mother. Now don't get me wrong, I love my mother and would never write her off or any of that foolishness (after all she DID give birth to me). At any rate I really need to do some soul searching (if that's the right term) and figure out if I've really forgiven her for my childhood. In some strange way I blame her for a lot of the mistakes I've made as an adult. I don't subscribe to the "do as I say, not as I do theory" that was forced (unsuccessfully) upon me as a child. Another thing that has really 'turned me off' (for lack of a better phrase) is a new revelation concerning my brother...it goes back to the 'do as I say, not as I do' theory that I thought was long gone out of the window. My mother in law has made sacrifices from day 1 of my husband and my marriage and it kind of irritates me when my mother (and side of the family) doesn't step up to the plate and offer the same. There have been times when we really needed family support and my side of the family has promised to be there and never came through...my mother in law, being the person she is, will pick up their slack and take the situation into her own hands. She breaks her neck, back, AND the bank to see her grandchildren and make sure that we, as a family unit, remain that way. I just don't feel that from my side of the family. It's come to the point where I just don't want to be bothered anymore. I want to know that all is well with my family is South Carolina but that's about it. As long as everyone is alive and well, I'm fine without having a conversation with any of them. Is that right? *shakes head no* It's not even a way I WANT to be. I just feel like for the sake of my SELF I need to make certain decisions.

It's funny I feel this way b/c in the beginning of my marriage I really disliked my mother in law. I pushed her away and now I recognize exactly why I did what I did and acted the way I acted. It wasn't b/c she was meddling and nosey (which she still is) and it wasn't b/c she was bossy and overbearing (she still is) but it was because she actually loved me and that's not something I was used to. Now, I'm not saying my family doesn't love me or my children...that's not it, it's just hard to explain. My mother in law (and my hubby's family) subscribe to the AGAPE love theory. They love you through your faults, your wrongdoings, and your good days. It's that unconditional love that I'd never felt before. Often times when you're wrong people push you away and label you as "bad" or "no good." MIL (mother in law) is the total opposite. She loves harder when you're down and out. She loves harder when you don't even love yourself and that's exactly what I've needed all of my life.

The mature thing to do would be to let me mom and my family know what I feel but I can't say that will ever happen (which is unfair to them). They have a right to know what's going on in my head but right now...I just can't see me ever exhausting myself to go through it. They aren't very receptive of things like that and it'll only irritate the shit out of me to try to.

Another thing I think that is separating me from my family is their acceptance of my being abused when I was younger and the fact that the person that abused me is still at the dinner table on holidays like all is well or something. No one believed me then...and it sickens me to my stomach to know that they are rubbing elbows with this perv IN my face. *snaps fingers* That's IT! It's a feeling of betrayal I'm feeling from all of them...and I don't take betrayal very well.

God thank you for that revelation...of course I know what I need to do to make it right, I just don't know when. *sigh*

G'Day Folks,

Lady Doss