No Strength Left.. Or At Least That's What I Thought...

Today has been ROUGH for me. I don’t know why but everything that I’ve been holding in (for the sake of saving face) just came pouring out. I physically feel weak and I just don’t wanna do anything but breathe at this point. I finally talked to the people I trust most on this Earth right now and they both gave me the encouragement I so desperately needed and more than that… WANTED.

Normally, I’m the strongest somebody I know. This is a gift AND a curse. Why? Well, it’s good to lean on your own strength but it can also cripple you in a multitude of ways. Because of my strength I’m ALWAYS helping other people out. I’m ALWAYS rescuing people. I’m ALWAYS listening and encouraging. This leaves me feeling like an empty vessel. Now, of course the “Christian” thing to do and/or say is “well let God fill you up.” I get that, but I’m also human. Sometimes… just SOMETIMES I want someone to pat my back, kiss my forehead, and tell me it’s going to be ok. Most times I don’t get so much as a “are you ok?” text message. I don’t really know why, but I can only assume it’s because everyone assumes I’m so strong that I’ll be “ok” on my own and I’ll get over it.

Today I broke… all the way down. Right here at my desk. I cried. Sobbed. So much so that I shook and I finally asked… I said:

I don't wanna be strong anymore... I just wanna lean on someone if only for some hours. I don't want to have to figure anything out. I don't want to have to help anyone out. I don't want to rescue anyone. I just want to be. Sometimes I wonder why Abba trusts me SO much with this "gift."

They responded:

You shouldn't have always be so strong

everyone has someone that they can lean on when they feel weak

So simple so profound… I asked if I could lean. They said “yup.” I literally exhaled and let it go. I can’t be everything to everybody and still be somebody to myself. Then not 30 seconds later I got this message:

In my prayer..God spoke to me and said...You can lean on me, I have your back. Rather looking down, look up to me and let the tears roll... I will wipe away your pain in your heart and soul. Trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings...just know that I have you, you can lean on me...

I’m thankful… I feel better…

Good day,

Me.

...and you can never tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far, So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit - It's when things seem worst that you must not quit..."

Into Me See

So the older I get the more I understand relationships and love. I've realized that intimacy hasn't a thing to do with sex. As a matter of fact... the most intimate I've ever been was having a candid conversation with Mr. Amazing. When you think about it all intimacy is is seeing into another person. Now some may take that to mean literally (and 9 months later here comes a baby) but I take this to mean so much more. INTO ME SEE is the ultimate form of intimacy. I believe that having this level of intimacy will eventually lead to mind blowing sex but not because you're so horny you can't see straight (although I'll admit to being in that predicament too) but because you're so "into" the person that you're with that you're willing to give your all for their pleasure.

Which leads me to this:

I think sex before marriage (or at the very least a committed relationship) is a bad idea. Simply put it blurs the intimacy lines. For example, say you are dating "so and so" and you have sex after two weeks of dating (or two days... you know how we can be as people). While it may start off as "damn that was good" imagine what happens when you're bored. What happens when you're mad at each other (make up sex much?) I said all that to say, when you have a foundation that's based on intimacy and NOT sex you'll always have that to fall back on. Next to communication, intimacy is the most important part of a relationship. Without the two you may as well hang it up and not waste your time.

What are some more ways you can be intimate? I welcome your ideas.

The Picture Show

So this post is incredibly random seeing as I don't blog like I used to but... I've said it before and I'll say it again:

MY LIFE IS A MOVIE!

Mercy, I've had so much go on since my last post that it's not even funny. I'd get into all of it but I don't like negative energy and I'm almost sure talking about all of that would make me want to slap the hell outta somebody. So I'll do what Jesus would do and give up that ghost. 

Remember me saying how important positivity is? That hasn't changed, as a matter of fact I strongly believe my positive attitude (on most days) is the reason for the things I have in my life now. While I can't say that I have the "ideal" American Dream I have the Will of God on my side. Everything that has happened, is happening, and will happened is because my Abba said it would and it's what He wants. NOW, the hard part? Accepting just what it is He puts on my plate. For example:

Single Parenting... is hard as shit. I mean, I make it look easy but there aint a thing easy about going from having ONE set of 2000 parts (tm Mr. Amazing) to having 6000 parts to wash (and no I didn't count on my fingers) every day. There aint a THING easy about your child asking the hardest questions on Earth like "mommy how did I get in and out of your belly?" There really isn't a THANG easy about having to make ends meet when it looks like the ends are on opposite ends of the Earth. 

Mr. Amazing... I'd be a boldface lie if I said that having this man in my life isn't challenging. As you very well know, I'm a diva.... probably the BIGGEST Diva that most of you know. I want my way, I want to be right, and I'm a know it all. Everyone accepts this as gospel *drumroll* EXCEPT him. It's one of the reasons I love him because he challenges me. He forces me to be better and bigger. He ACCEPTS me...

NOW, I've subliminally put this message out there before but I'm just gone go ahead and say it; IF you find a man or woman who will really truly and genuinely accept you knowing all your dirt, shit, mess, and any other word you can think of that just aint good? You better hold on to him/her and treat them like the blessing they are. I call this man Mr. Amazing because not only does he accept me and all my potential baggage but he accepts my children. Since being single and dating I've noticed that children aren't seen as the badge of honor they are in society. As a matter of fact I've had more than one man tell me he could never date me because I have children. I guess I was out of the game so long that I didn't know just how "taboo" children were but I tell you this... any woman who's ashamed of her children ough'ta be dragged out and shot. I guess that's how Susan Smith got caught up. Ladies, any man that wont accept your kids can't accept you. That means you don't need to be together. Ironically, Mr Amazing's mother told me that. Her approval of me also meant a lot. 

Now, some of you are like "why is this Mr Amazing" a mystery... he isn't. I'll leave it at that.

G'night People. 

Signed, 

Blessed to be Happy Again

Are you Positive?

"For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else” Winston Churchill

Someone asked me today, "why and how are you always so happy?" I responded, "oh that's simple... I refuse to be anything else." I'm one of the few people I know that very rarely gets upset. Of course I have my moments but most of the time it's a multitude of complied bullshit that sends me completely over the edge. Thinking back though, I can remember a time when I was a complete HOT head. Some would say I had a bad temper even... I wanted to solve every problem with my fists. Over the years though I learned that no one or thing should have that much control over my thoughts emotions and actions and thus "positivity" was birthed. 


Since this wonderful transformation (lol *smiley face*) I've been called passive and asked what happened to the "passionate Tasha." My response is always the same... if erratic behavior equates to passion about a particular thing or subject, you can have it. I remember my boss saying to me "does anything bother you?" When I told her "no" and kept working she stood there dumbfounded. I guess being over the top is expected of us as people... ionno I'm really not sure. 


So how do I remain positive you ask? Well I'll share my little secret with you. It's really a simple concept but it takes discipline to do it. Sure we all hear the age old question are you a glass half empty or a glass half full person. Most of us always answer with a resounding "glass half full." Are you really practicing that behavior though? Most often... not. Whenever I am confronted with a negative thought I now (audibly might I add) say "positivity." I've been in public and had something crazy pop into my mind and yelled "positivity." Folks probably thought I was crazy but for the sake of my OWN well being... I just didn't give a damn. It's important not to take a glass half empty approach to life. When things seem to be bad look deep into that situation for the positive things. Sure gas is high…but thank God you have a job to pay for it. Ok you hate your job…I can name a few people who would love to trade places with you. In changing your “outlook” also remember to “look up.” Often times we look to those around us for help but we fail to look up. The message is simple and doesn’t need a lot of elaborate explanation: When you feel like your life is looking grim…look around, smile, and look up.

If you're going through hell... keep going.

P.S.

10 reasons why you should become more positive

1. You will create a better world around you as your surroundings will become affected and change due to your positive thoughts and actions.

2. You will make better first impressions. Everyone stereotypes, whether they want or not. A positive first impression can mean a lot in many situations and have a lasting effect throughout your relationship with that person.

3. You will focus on the good things in people. Not their faults. This will make things much better overall and improve all kinds of relationships.

4. It´s easier to become more productive when you stop laying obstacles in the middle of the road in the form of negative thoughts.

5. Work becomes more fun. Everything becomes more fun.

6. You become more attractive. People like positive people. Positive people make other people feel good about themselves and they don´t drag the mood down. Also, a positive attitude is an indicator – and source – of high self-confidence, a quality that just about everyone is attracted to.

7. Being negative has very little concrete advantages and is not a very empowering way to look at life.

8. It opens up your mind to focus on other ways of looking at things. Sometimes wonderful new ways you might not ever have thought about or experienced before.

9. It puts the Law of Attraction to better use. The Law of Attraction basically says: whatever you think about you attract into your life. As you replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts you will start to attract more positive opportunities and people into your life.

10. You´ll waste less time. Negativity can be like a self-feeding loop. First you think one negative thought. It leads you to three more. And then you start examining your life in deeper detail through a depressing lens. When you get into a vicious cycles like this it can eat up hours, weeks and years of your life. It can drain a lot of your energy whilst trapping you in paralysis by analysis. And you probably won´t become that much wiser in the process. 

*taken from http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/02/09/take-the-positivity-challenge/*

"Divorced Not Dead"

It's about time I put the rumors to rest and speak on this issue. If you know me you know how incredibly private I can be about my personal life...on the other hand if you know me you know I can also be an open book of sorts. I've always said that if my life experiences can help someone else then I'm all for sharing them. With that being said...

I'm DIVORCED not DEAD!

It is AMAZING the questions people ask me about my divorce, dating, living, etc. True no one marries to divorce... that's like buying a car to crash it into a brick wall. However, there's something to be said for a man or woman that can marry, divorce, and MOVE ON with life. For some reason people expect divorced people to mourn over a dead relationship the same way they would

mourn over a dead body/person. I disagree. Yes, you may need time to heal after a marriage dissolves but those that have been in the position I am in also know that if you are divorced or divorcing your relationship was terminally ill for a while and it died a slow painful death. After experiencing something like that... why WOULDN'T you want to move on?

I recently had a conversation with a guy I reconnected with from college. Do you know this dude had the nerve to say, "I'd love to take you out but I'm afraid you'll start crying." I couldn't help but laugh but it was the most absurd thing I'd ever heard in all my 27 years on this earth. (If you're reading this... laugh with me, lol) Divorced does not automatically equate to overly emotional dried up and bitter. If anything my having been married before is the experience that's needed to make things work a second time around. Most jobs require experience right? To ME I know the mistakes NOT to make if marriage happens for me again.

Yes, I can date. No, I wont break down and cry when I do it. Yes, I'm divorced. No, I'm not going to spontaneously combust if you approach me. I don't have the plague people...

I read a very true quote today and I'm going to adopt it as my own..."I got married, I had kids, I got a divorce...and now I'm pursuing life on MY terms" (I use MY loosely cause what God says for me to do... I do...now.) Divorce can easily feel like a LONG drawn out death and just like an actual death, you must not only go through the grief cycle (bargaining, denial, anger, depression, acceptance) - one must ALSO begin to rebuild. That's exactly what I'm doing. I've accepted my divorce I've also accepted I am NOT damaged goods. I know my worth and I refuse to be defined my silly stigmas like divorce = personal demise. I'm just fine people... in fact I'm still standing.

Monica said it best...whatever don't kill ya makes ya stronger...well I must be the worlds strongest woman.

Still Standing...You can bet your last that my head won't hit the floor... never.

Twitter/FB Is The Devil...

Can someone please take immature ass people's internet privileges away? Please? Here lately I've been struggling with this. I've tried not to say anything about it but good LORD when will it end? Ok so it's not supposed to bother me but dammit it does. I understand all too well the need to vent but I also understand how disrespectful it is to air your laundry (be it dirty or clean) on a worldwide medium for all to see. What do you get out of telling everyone how much you hate your ex? Or telling the world how much more your new boo does that your ex couldn't or wouldn't do? Doesn't that make YOU look the ass in the situation? Better yet, why do you have the courage to say all the things your (wo)man wont (or didn't) do all over the internet but you never bothered to discuss (candidly) those same things WITH him or her?

Ionno, I guess I'm just different because I'm not about to be sending subliminal messages through tweets and facebook status' hoping that if I type real hard with my eyes closed while humming a hymn the person it's really meant for will see it and process it.

Another thing that gets on my friggin nerves is... people who jump on the bandwagon with that BS by retweeting it or "liking" the status on FB. I mean really? Do you really support that crap? It makes me wonder what kinds of friends these people have. I thank GOD for my friends because they will call ME on my crap in a new york minute and not think twice about it. At the same time those people when they see me wronged wont stand by and let it happen either. I love ya'll and you know exactly who you are.

Now some may say... well isn't this blog entry rather passive aggressive? To them I say... yup, it is BUT the difference between THIS passive aggressive post and THOSE passive aggressive posts is I fully intend to send a link of this post to the person who needs to see it. *pow*

Have a wonderful and eventful day!

ThinMint

Luke 6:37

^37-38"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don't condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you'll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.

You Inspire Me...

I haven't blogged in months... and truth be told I don't have shit to really talk about NOW. There are so many new things that have happened since the last time I blogged (including me moving to Virginia). The move has been smooth and rough all at the same time but all in all I'm really glad I did it. It feels great to be "self" for the first time in my adult life. I've always been defined or associated with someone else or by a "title" I held... but now? Now I'm free to pursue the things and or people that make me happy.

I've also decided that it's about time I get over my fear of deer... b/c if I don't I'll stroke out before long. There are more deer in Virginia than there are roaches in the project. I mean they just roam jump AND play everywhere. One night as I was driving home from the movie theater (hmm maybe I'll go see a movie tonight..anyway) which is about a mile or two from my apartment I encounter 8 (EIGHT) deer. I finally pulled over and just blinked rapidly like "ok girl get your shit to get THA!" I still flinch when I see them but I had to learn NOT to close my eyes... shoot otherwise I may as well drive asleep.

Speaking of sleeping... I took an Ambien one night and let me say I'll NEVER do THAT crap again. I woke up feeling all refreshed and stuff only to find that I'd apparently fixed me some food AND drink, took a few pics with my phone, rinsed my dishes, and banged the dog shit outta my knee.... ALL IN MY SLEEP! I noticed the big black bruise on my knee the next morning as I was drying off and thought "oh dang I guess I hit my knee while moving..." then I walked into my kitchen and saw dishes in my sink. I said to myself, "Self.. I know you washed all the dishes you had last night (I aint got but a few anyway) so where did these dishes come from?" SUDDENLY a conversation about the side effects of Ambien came flooding back... and I'd realized... well damn I was sleep walking/eating/washing/pic taking/knee bumping. I'm just glad I didn't go outside (or if I did I locked the doors when I came back in). Needless to say... NEVER again.

The adventure continues... stay tuned for more.

p.s. I really don't feel like spell checkin either... love you tho.